Writing to Understand

Confession: I'm a writer. So I write. 

I don't limit myself to one specific style or genre. I can’t. Even if I tried.

It's just the way I'm wired: I write things in order to understand them. Placing words like bricks is a process for me to see the whole building. And I create many different buildings.

Whether that’s an essay, some poetry, or a novel, I write because I need to. Because there’s no way I could ever express what I’m thinking with my mouth. 

Sure I might say I understand many things. I might sound like I know what I'm talking about after reading a bunch of books. I might even teach like it too. 

But the truth is: I don't really know it until I write it. 

And even then, as Socrates has reminded us long ago, “true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.”

Thus why I can't not write.

Yes, I get backlash for this. From myself, included.

I feel crummy when I don't have time to write. (Especially during hockey season.) Physically and mentally, I get drained. I become all scatterbrained and my muscles/joints tighten up to the point where doing anything feels like a chore.

My friends get upset with me when I decline certain social conventions. My wife is always sure to let me know when I’m being short with her. And my parents feel like I’m avoiding them. They think I don't like them or don’t enjoy their company.

All because I’m behind on that writing time. That processing. (See: thinking.)

Professionals often inquire: “Well how do you expect to build an audience? How do you expect to sell books and gain readers?”

The truth is… I don’t.

As nice as that would be, that’s not exactly my main motive in the game. Don’t get me wrong - I absolutely love you all. And you’re all a huge influence for me. But I’m not doing this for you. 

I write for me.

Not money, fame, or fortune (though I would never turn those away).

I know that isn’t parallel with the industry. It’s never been. From the zines I’ve made to the blogs I’ve built. They exist to exist. They mean whatever you want them to mean. And some people have a difficult time accepting that fact. Including myself.

My fingers bleed so others might read.

Just to be clear: I'm talking about writing as a means to understanding. Not marketing or targeting specific audiences. Those are different outlets - one’s I’m still practicing.

I'm speaking on behalf of writing as a form of cognitive processing. A mode of thought. An art. An expression. A manifestation of universal consciousness.

We are all creative creatures and everyone has their own form of contribution to the construction. 

So don't ask me what I write. I can't give you a response you'll understand. I write everything. From music reviews to personal essays to poetry and prose. I’ve practiced publicly for a long time (going on a decade now) and I don’t plan on stopping. My voice for fiction is way different than my voice in essay, and that's way different from the one I use in poetry. 

I write what I’m trying to learn. And all of it is different. And all of it is progress.

Buildings are built and destroyed on the daily. As are the methods in which we use to create them. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to limit myself to only one type of understanding. Because I know nothing.