October 26, 2008

Fictional Interview with Fred Durst

Me: So how’s it going?

Fred Durst: It’s good… who are you and why do you have a tape recorder in my face?

Me: Don’t worry I’m legit. Besides the power is out; we’re stuck in this elevator for a while. Just you, me and this black piece of tape that I’m recording you on.

FD: What? Back the fuck off.

Me: Okay so let’s get started. What have you been up to since Limp Bizkit’s break-up?

FD: What the fuck you talking bout kid? Limp Bizkit didn’t break up. Wes left and we held auditions to replace him like four years ago. We have a Greatest Hits album coming out soon.

Me: Really? That’s pretty cool. Didn’t I see you on law and order or something recently?

FD: I was on an episode of House like over a month ago. I was a bartender.

Me: O yeah, I remember. You looked pretty old and fat. You said like two words, right?

FD: What the fu-

Me: Anyway, so how is Limp Bizkit doing now that no one listens to you guys anymore?

FD: Kid, I don’t know who the fuck you are, but you better fuck off or I will make ‘Break Stuff’ about your face.

Me: I remember that song. It was like the highlight of your career as a ‘musician.’

FD: Who the hell are you? Give me that piece of shit.

*rustling*

Me: Good thing you’re weak and suck at everything except looking like a total douche-bag. How do you honestly think people like you?

FD: How old are you? *gasping for air* Why are you still asking me questions?

Me: Because the tape is still recording.